Tag Archives: Relationships

Just going to admit …

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… that I’ve tried numerous times to post. I’ve tried to write, and I come up empty. Empty, empty, empty. This is why you’ve not seen me on here. But I want to write. Alas, it won’t come. But today I decided, no matter what, I would spew some writing out. So, here it is, such as it is. 

Honestly, I think I’m still grappling with dissociative identity disorder diagnosis. Then there was the whole debacle with my ex-husband. Oh yeah, I am empty. 

So there it is. I’m empty. I feel like I have nothing to share, but I miss you guys. So here I am. Empty with nothing to offer, but trying to be back. All I can offer is my presence. 

Twenty years

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20 years later we found each other again.
It was like time had not passed between us.

It all came rushing back,
the way you give your cats voices and stories,
and your profanity that would be uncouth on anyone else.

You call me princess, and I remember how it felt 20 years ago.
This DID is full of surprises.
I didn’t remember you dumpster-diving for my coupons you accidentally threw away,
or my best friend with hardly a penny to her name flying to see me.

You talked to Letty, Ronnie and Sabrina,
and you showed them love and understanding.
We decided we belonged together after all these years.

April 12th was the day you chose for a fresh start.
You were coming home to me.

In between all the planning we just talked,
talked about life, and stupid stuff, like made-up cat stories.
The laughing, so real, unlike any laugh I’ve had in decades.

All I could promise was tea and toast with me every day.
We don’t have a lot of money, but we felt like the richest duo around.

But then there came the email.
I was merely a fantasy.
Your family needs you, and you hope I can forgive you.

I can forgive you.
But can Letty?
Ronnie?
Sabrina?
You have to ask them as well.

Twenty years from now, there will not be another chance.
There will be no other moment like the one we had.
I know what you said no to, but do you?

To Michael

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English: Broken Heart symbol

Dear Michael,

I miss you, still miss you though it’s been over a year since we parted ways. Honestly, I wish you were out of my mind forever. It would make it easier to get through life. But the truth is that you’re in my mind a lot, more than I would like. I know that we went our separate ways because of my PTSD, and that fact makes me mad at myself. I keep thinking that if I had just been better, less apt to start shaking that we would still be together. You might be confused with all of this since I’m the one that walked away ,but I knew you were freaked out by the PTSD. I knew it was untenable.

You were special, a rarity of a person that does not come around everyday. When I’m really missing you badly I reach down into my soul, and find that part of me that felt your deep love for me. Just thinking of it right now makes me cry. I don’t just cry because I miss you, I cry because no one ever loved me that deeply, and it still amazes me. I wish I had been aware the that last time I kissed you or hugged you would be the last time forever. I would have lingered longer, treasured it more, paid more attention to the entire moment. I would have made sure to inhale your scent one last time so that I could try to bottle it up in my memory bank forever.

I vividly remember one night when we were together and you started telling me how special I was, and you asked me to promise that I would always remember that I’m special. You started saying, “Promise me, promise me …” I then noticed that you were teary as you were imploring me to remember that I’m special. When I look back I wonder if that was the last night we spent together, but my brain fails me, and I’m not sure if it was.

Cooking with you was fun, so fun that it did not feel like work when we did it together. We were so good at cooking together it was like choreography. We were magic when we cooked, no doubt about it. You were a great cook, and I was a fab baker, a perfect match. Every time I hear Michael Jackson on the radio I remember rocking out to those silly songs while we were making dinner one night.

I’ve never spoken to someone about myself like I did with you. It’s because of you that I write again. You helped me rediscover my love of writing, and I treasure that you helped me remember that I love writing. I was able to be myself with you, and I love you for that.

We were close to having a forever love together, so close that it might have been better for my heart if we had been nowhere near such a thing.

I suppose it’s still good that we met, even though I miss you terribly. I write again because of you, and I see myself in a different, better light because of you. Still though, I try not to let my mind embrace the fact that I will likely never see you again.My mind shuts down when I think of this, so I just let it float, float into the vast lake of the unknown with a droplet of hope that will likely never be.

Yours always,

Beatriz

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)