Letty The Lookout

Hi guys,

I am scared. I Gotta keep it together. It is hard. I know I am not supposed to be here right now, but I am here.

I think I gotta keep watch. You never know when things are gonna happen.

Beatriz and I went to lunch early so that we can get it together.

It feels weird being in her big body. She wore a new bra today that feels like we are strapped in for take-off. I hate it. I feel bunched. I told Beatriz to take it off. She says we can’t. It has to stay on. She said something about being WORK APPROPRIATE. Boring! And I am still bunched. She said that is what happens when I come out at work. That she’s in boring clothes that bunch. Ugh.

She does not understand that I have a job to do. I am The Lookout!



What can I say?

I’ve no idea what to say. For the first time ever I did not post yesterday and the day before. I came home and slept/dissociated through the night starting at around 7 pm. Shell-shocked is how I feel. The more I think about it the more I realize that the DID diagnosis is likely accurate. I don’t want it to be, but when I am able to put the fear aside, and really think about it the whole concept makes a bit of sense. It just takes my breath away.

I don’t know how I’m getting by as I’m on the edge with my anxiety.

Thanks to everyone who has been so supportive. I apologize as I have not been reading other blogs or responding to comments these past few days. My absence is not a reflection of how I feel about you guys. I’ve just been trying to make sense of all of this.

the grocery store

I was doing fine until this evening. Now I feel panicky and twitchy. In an effort to combat my panicky and twitchy feeling I took myself to the grocery store. I had forgotten a few items on the first trip to the store so I thought it was a good time to go back out.

In an odd, but helpful turn of events, my shopping list landed me in the refrigerated and freezer aisles, a perfect place to get grounded with the cold temperature!

First, I needed iced tea.

That unsweetened tea sells rather quickly, as you can see! People are learning that unsweetened is better.

Then I needed yogurt, which was across from the tea.

I got lucky. They had my Fage Plain 0% Fat yogurt. It often runs out! I had my items and started heading to cash out when I noticed the ice cream aisle. So, of course, I headed for some ice cream.

Is that Edy’s Slow Churned Vanilla Bean in the single serving size? Yes it is! Am I lactose intolerant? Yes, I am, but that’s why they invented lactaid pills.

Going to the grocery store was a good distraction, and I got the items I previously forgot, minus the ice cream. That was a bonus impulse buy. I am not completely out of the triggery panicky woods, but I think I’m better off by having gone to the store, and I’m certainly not worse off for the trip.

Everyday we do the best we can.