Tag Archives: depression

24 hours later life feels less daunting …

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There is no explanation for this. I woke up this morning, and I was able to get out of bed without feeling glued to it. I don’t think I did anything differently to make this happen. I think was able to fall asleep easier because I went on a two mile walk. Today I went on a 3 mile walk, and I’m even better for it. The weather was great, and it didn’t trigger me. What a beautiful thing!

I was going to do some work I brought home, but I decided not to because it’s been such a good day, and I want to enjoy it through and through. Such good days are rare, and I decided to just enjoy it to the very end, and so I did.

It’s so odd to me that today was so different because my life is still the same as it was yesterday. I’m still largely alone, and lonely. I’m still dissociative and over weight and in an apartment that is not as put-away as I would like it to be. All these things are still status quo, but the different thing was my brain today. Today my brain was my friend, and didn’t freak or want the world to end, or some other thing that wouldn’t be a good idea.

Today was a good day. If only I could bottle it for the bad days.

Trying to keep going ….

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… but it is like trying to easily get gum out of your hair.

Right now, I am stuck in a car in a parking lot. Just stuck, frozen with undefined malaise and despair. Trying to convince myself that my life is not over, that there are reasons to keep trying.

All day I’ve had that feeling of impending doom. I think it’s the warmer weather. I oddly get triggered in warmer weather, yes, it’s vexing to be that way.

The floaties are coming, and that’s not good either. How, oh how, do we turn this hot mess around that is us?

Another example …

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… of why it is hard for me to post … The emptiness persists, and I don’t like writing depressing blog posts. It feels counter productive to do so, yet here I am doing just that very thing.

Ever since the ordeal with my ex-husband, Letty has largely been in hiding. She’s emerged a few times here and there. But, she has not been the constant companion she was with me for so long prior to this event. Now Little Ronnie is my constant companion. She does ask about Letty. I don’t really have any concrete answers for her, as I also miss Letty.

I’m back in that robotic depressive state that is really just a nasty hamster wheel that you can’t get off for the life of you. I don’t want to be in this place for the rest of my life. Something needs to change. I want things to change, but as soon as I reach for that “change button” it seems like it’s yanked further away out of my reach. How is it that something you want so badly is out of your reach? It scares me that the answer may be I don’t want it badly enough. I believe I do. I feel that I do. But how does one really know these things? One can’t. You just have to chug on as if there is a light at the end of the tunnel, even if it’s likely dark forever.