Tag Archives: healing

Fork in the road

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English: A fork in the road Which way should i go?

What happens when we have a choice before us that can be life-changing?

You are at that fork in the road, and you desperately want to make the right choice, the best damn choice. But life does not provide a crystal ball into the future. You make your best guess. You talk to friends, colleagues, therapists, siblings, ex-boyfriends, and in the end, only you can assess and decide what to do.

And when the choice before you includes things you’ve always wanted it makes choosing so confusing and confounding. You want to go with what you want. Everyone wants what they want. But what we want in the moment isn’t always what is best for us. Knowing this, and even applying this is hard and it can even be heart-breaking.

And, yes, I’m talking about my decision earlier this week not to take a promotion. It’s absolutely mind-blowing to know that either direction this decision was going to be life-changing. The good news is that the job was then offered to my very fine colleague and friend that I’ve had the pleasure of working with for the past year. Happy/sad feelings abounded with that news. The job could not have gone to a better person. I will miss him though.

Life goes on when we make a life-changing choice. It goes on, and plays out the choice we made, for better or for worse. Only time will reveal the wisdom of our choice.

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Nibbling at the edges

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Nibbles with Nut

Many times I think PTSD is this thing where we have to nibble at the edges. It’s not something that we can stamp out with a hammer. Otherwise, we would have done so already.

I often forget that I am a person that is worthy of people. I get stuck in that little girl place in my mind when my mother wouldn’t let me have people over to the house, or wouldn’t let me go to a friend’s house. It was all so weird, and I didn’t understand what the issue was for her. I just got the message that I was not supposed to have friends. She seemed happier when I didn’t socialize.

I need to get rid of that message that was embedded in my brain by her actions because it is not serving me well. Today I almost declined spending time with a friend for no good reason, other than the fact that I’ve grown so used to being alone. And I am very glad that I fought against that message in my head that I am not good enough. As soon as I woke up this morning, there it was, telling me that I’m not good enough, and that I shouldn’t be on this earth. Every single morning I have to fight this thought I have first thing upon waking. Some days I give a better fight than others.

Today I initially laid in my bed, and found myself feeling floaty, and depressive. Finally, after 30 minutes of that I launched myself out of bed, and decided that, yes, I was going to go see my friend Ron. It would be good for me.

As I drove to Ron’s house I started to feel better, and by the time I arrived I knew I made the right decision.

Today I nibbled at the edges.

Photo credit: yuan2003

Pull those weeds!

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Garden Weeds

The floatiness came upon me when I woke up this morning, and it would not leave. It stayed like an unwanted guest. All day I felt like I was walking in swaths of cotton. I texted my friend Jack, and he had an idea, or at least I thought he had an idea:

Jack: Come over and weed my garden. It’s therapeutic 🙂

Me: Ok. I’ll come over after dinner around 7.

Jack: Seriously? I was kidding, but you’re welcome to weed if you like.

I had not weeded a garden for decades. My grandmother’s garden was the last garden I ever worked in, and “worked in” is putting it loosely. I puttered in there, and she worked.

As soon as I arrived, I dove right into pulling those damn weeds. The earth in my fingernails felt real and grounding. I pulled those weeds, and after a while, I was pulling my mother’s hate, her wrath, self-loathing, and rage. I pulled as if I was pulling those demons out. I would still be out there pulling, but night fell, mosquitoes came, and my body hurt. I think I have dirt in my teeth, but the floatiness is gone.

(Photo credit: Auntie P)